Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.