HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*