Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having