HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools