Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross