Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

this got me crying😭😭

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.