Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

screw you

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Saw your ex at the shops

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”