Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Me trying to “trust the process”

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*