HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
#damn
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.