Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.