HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this