HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.