These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
You Might Also Like
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.