Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.