HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.