HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
how long have you had this for?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when