Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

ㅤ

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity