*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?
Me: I have a boyfriend
HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
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If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Brain: stop eating!
B: you’ll get fat
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural.
As opposed to walking on water.
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.