@sweet_pea707

HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you

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@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@QuiteTheCurious

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

@mijamtweets

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@WilliamAder

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@Schgot89

The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural.

As opposed to walking on water.

@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.