*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof