HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed