HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.