HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Why I divorced her.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
