HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
