Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

For the orator and chef in all of us

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.