HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
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If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Life hack
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
