HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??


Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.


me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec


Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.


I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!


Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.


CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same


Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order


Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”