Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Don’t touch that.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*