HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
2 years later
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’m not stressed
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I found your tweet-up…
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.