Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.