HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
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What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
No, I don’t think I will.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”