Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Put a ring on it

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

If only.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.