HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
You Might Also Like
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.