HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
it be like that
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?