HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.