HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
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Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.