HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Awesome parenting 😂
What number SPF blocks people?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?