HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
When I laugh on my period
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight