HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now