HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
good let them take over I have had enough
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet