Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

the way this pissed me off… 😭

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…