Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

constantly working on myself.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.