Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.