(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Cats are still liquid.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.