(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
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A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it