HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.