HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
OKAY DAD
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us