Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.