HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Smells like a challenge to me
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.