Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Tell me you get it…🤣

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

imagine getting destroyed like this

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.