Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.