Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Anyone really