HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”