Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Whoa… oh I see lol

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.