Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

three things we don’t talk about

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late