Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”