HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
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Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you