I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her