HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
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When your diet is finally over.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The options really are this bad
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.