HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista