HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Breaking news:
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”