Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Lassie, get help!

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

as the prophecy foretold

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

My dog ate my work from home.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.