Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Whisper out to librarians!

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.