Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.