Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

This hospital has everything

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.