Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Haha! 😂

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.