[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots