Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB