[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
You Might Also Like
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
This is sending me to another galaxy
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.