Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have