Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.