Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high