HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
You Might Also Like
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.