HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Lmfaoooooo
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”