HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!