HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
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[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.