HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
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Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over