HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap