Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.