HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
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Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Go gym
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
this post was so formative to me
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside