HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
