HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
You Might Also Like
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.