HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that